Pickled

  

"Pickled"
(A Broadway Parody)
((based on the Broadway musical "Wicked"))
(((in a hopefully funny, irreverent, but loving manner)))
((((with apologies to Stephen Schwartz and Winnie Holzman))))
(((((Also, apologies to anyone who has no sense of humor or capacity for fun)))))

Backstory

"Pickled" is the story of two girls who meet at school.
One Gherkin (pronounced Ga-Her-Kin)/Ghrken (pronounced Ger-Kin) (Galinda/Glinda)
is a spoiled rich kid, a ditzy California bubble head valley girl,
and the other is Eureka (Elphaba),
a shy, awkward farm girl who works magic in the garden and cooking
(especially with growing and preparing pickles and cucumbers).
However, both have or develop some serious food issues.

Eureka earns a scholarhip for her horticulture skills and her sister, SassyToes
(NessaRose - OK, OK, we're not sure Sassy has any toes, but it works so well),
Eureka's disabled sister, with no real discernable skills, manages to go to the same
college. Of course, Eureka gets assigned to a dorm room which she has to share
with Ghrkin (Although, all the action that took place in the dorm room has been moved
to the kitchen which is a far more important location for this story.). As fate would have it,
Ghrkin is a picky eater with a limited diet who also has horrible food allergies.
So, she is allergic to Eureka. This is because of all the years Eureka spent on the farm
and the time she now spends in the gardens and in the kitchen at the school
("Dear Old Ship") leading to Ghrkin's constant "Wheezing".

Eureka also meets her horticulture professor, Dr. Vinegar (Dr. Dillimond)
and the school head mistress Madame Vlassic (pronounced "Valassic") (Madame Morrible)
who takes an interest in Eureka because of her great horticulture skills. Madame Vlassic
has been trying forever to find someone who is Jewish or that she thinks she can convince
to convert to Judaism and make famous due to their expertise in the Kosher Food Laws.
She decides that someone is Eureka. Madame Vlassic convinces the girls to go to
The Cucumber City to talk to the  "Inebriated Kosher Food Laws" (Wonderful Wizard of Oz).
(A stretch personification of the word Kosher)
((Sorry if you got it without this explanation))
(((Just thought it was better to point it out now before the dense people get confused later)))
((((For those unfamiliar with personification))))
(((((It is a technique used in creative writing (lyrics, poems, etc.) where inanimate objects take on the characteristics of people)))))
((((((There is a more standard example of personification in the opening song))))))
(((((((However, we leave it is up to you to find it)))))))
((((((((One of the things we heard is that musical theatre should do more than entertain))))))))
(((((((((So, finding the personification example yourself will help you to broaden your interpretation skills)))))))))
((((((((((Let's move on, it's getting tiresome typing all these parenthesis))))))))))

The two main male leads are Dill (Boq) who is infatuated with Gherken and Calypso (Fyiero), a food
craving, tall, lanky, black student friend of both Ghrkin and Eureka whose major romantic role in the
story has been totally eliminated. Staying with the food theme, Calypso has an eating disorder and
is always hungry. We considered making him Gay since we obviously have the Black actor
and Jewish connection covered, but gave up on that idea because we had already used up his
songs before we thought of it.

(Well, we guess that's enough background)
((It is highly recommended that you sing the words in your head or even out loud if you can manage it))
(((If you aren't already familiar with "Wicked" you'll miss some of the jokes anyway)))
((((You might want to buy the cast album or at least listen on Youtube if that's the case))))
(((((Oh well, might as well get this started since we can't think of anything else to delay it further)))))

Cast of Characters (in some mostly semi-random order)

Assorted random characters who pop in and out at various times when needed
(Listed first since they are always listed last and we wanted to give them well-deserved special recognition)
((Without them, you'd just keep seeing a small number of actors for the whole performance))
(((So, they add to the interest, ambiance, and reality of the performance)))

Inebriated Kosher Food Law - Drunken loner (but still a world famous, well-renouned chef, none the less)

Dill - Student infatuated with Gherkin
(Somewhat dim-witted, and inconsiderate since he toys with Sassy to get closer to Gherkin)

SassyToes - Eureka's disabled, unskilled sister, a somewhat minor random character

Gherkin/Ghrkin - Ditzy Valley Girl

Calypso - Tall, lanky, black student (definitely NOT Gay)

Dr. Vinegar - Eureka's Horticulture teacher

Eureka - Shy, awkward Farm Girl

Madame Vlassic - Marginally important Head Mistress of Ship

(Got You, we did figure out how to delay longer)
((Our apologies to the cast and crew of "Wicked"))
(((And any previous cast and crew who have been involved with "Wicked")))
((((This apology also includes all the people involved in the road productions))))
(((((And of course, all the other people involved who enabled "Wicked" to be produced on Broadway)))))
((((((Now, we really can't think of anything else to put this off further))))))
(((((((Sorry, Here Goes)))))))

Pickled
_________

[A general instruction]
[Each time Eureka is in the kitchen after meeting Calypso, she eats excessively and gradually gets a little heavier each scene]
[Her food addiction - newly developed since meeting Calypso - is re-inforced by having her eating in every kitchen scene after that]

Song: No One Spurns the Pickled (No One Mourns the Wicked)
Pickled - Part 1

[The curtain opens to a wine, cheese, and pickle party in a college courtyard with natily clothed guests]

CROWD AT THE COLLEGE PARTY
Good Booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]
It’s bread!
The Pickle that’s best is bread!
The pickledest which there ever was
The best cucumber in the Kosher Food Laws
Is Bread! [Each character raises a pickle up like a toast]
Good Booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]
Good Booze!  [Again, each character raises a drink like a toast]

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD
(yelled) Look! It's Ghrkin! [pronounced Ger-Kin here]

[Ghrkin enters in Valley Girl clothes on rollerblades and skates around the party]

GHRKIN
(spoken) Fellow Foodians:
(sung) Let us be glad
Let us be grateful
Let us rejoicify that goodness could ensue
The pickled fixings from tasty cukes
Isn't it nice to know
That food will conquer and thrill
The truth we all believe'll by and by
Outlive a lie
For you and - 

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD
No One Spurns the Pickled

ANOTHER PERSON:
No one cries "Pickles be Spurned!"

ALL
No one nays a pickle for their tray

MAN
The good man loves the pickled!
(We considered "The good man loves his pickle!")
((However, we felt the opportunity to interprete this as sexual inuendo was too likely))
(((This is a 'G' rated show you know)))

WOMEN
Through their lives, our children learn

ALL
What we wish, what we all must crave

GHRKIN
What Goodness knows
The Pickled foods are tasty
Goodness knows
A Pickle fried enthrones
It just shows with it’s Pickles
You're lunch never stands alone

ALL
Yes, Goodness knows
With Pickles lunch’s not lonely
Goodness knows
With Pickles not alone
No one shuns what is Pickled
They taste briny 
And homegrown

GHRKIN
(spoken) Are Pickles born well-bread? Or do they have
Pickledness thrust upon them? After all, They had 

[The party guests fan out from the center, revealing a garden at a farm]
[The farm people are dressed in overalls and staring at abnormally large pickles and cucumbers growing in the garden]
[Included in the farm people, also dressed in overalls, are Eureka, Calypso, The Kosher, Dill, and ?]
(We couldn't figure who the cowardly lion was)
((Probably one of the random characters without any major role just stepped in))
(((That's ok though, since he only has a few lines to sing, anyway)))
((((Maybe this kept the production cost down, since it didn't require a name actor))))
(((((That should be a long enough delay, so let's get back to it)))))
((((((We bet you forgot where we were, go back and speak the last few lines over))))))
(((((((Don't read the stage directions and these comments over again or we'll be here all day)))))))

A Garden when she was younger, as so many do.

LANDSCAPER (male)
How I love to grow these cukes so pretty

GARDENER (female)
That's so right - it's makes things seem so bright

LANDSCAPER (male)
I store them right here in my cart
While I keep them from blight

GARDENER (female)
(spoken)
And like every garden - it had its secrets

[A rainstorm appears]

RAINSTORM (hint, hint)
Have another drink, my dark, dry beauties
I've got one more night left here in town
So have another drink of clean elixir
And you'll grow to be extremely bigger
Have another little swallow, little garden,
From the soggy ground

[Back to the garden]

GHRKIN
(spoken) And of course, from the moment they were sown,
They were - well - different

GARDENER
They're growing

LANDSCAPER
Now?

GARDENER
The pickles growing

LANDSCAPER
And how!

GARDENER
My, how they grow

LANDSCAPER
I see a curve

LANDSCAPER and GARDENER
They're all healthy, perfect,
Lovely, little - 

LANDSCAPER
(spoken) Sweet Laws!

GARDENER
(spoken) What is it? What's wrong?

EUREKA
How can it be?

LANDSCAPER
What does it mean?

GARDENER
Their so gourdgess

LANDSCAPER
And they're clean!

GARDENER and LANDSCAPER
Like some soggy, ferny cactus
The pickles are so huge it's just ex-

ALL
treme!

LANDSCAPER
[This should be happy and upbeat even though that doesn't agree with the music]
(spoken) Brine them today, Brine them today!

[Back to the college quad later in the day]

GHRKIN
(spoken) So you see - it would have been easy!

ALL - GHRKIN
No One Spurns the Pickled!
Now at last, it's bread and done!
Now at last, there's joy throughout the land
And Goodness knows - Goodness knows
We know what Goodness is - [Ghrkin's Ahs and"knows" continues throught this line]
Goodness knows - knows
The Pickles were homegrown - They were homegrown
[Male] Don't you know
[Female] Don't you know
Don't spurn what goodness is
Their homegrown

CROWD
No One Spurns the Pickled!

GHRKIN
Good booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]

CROWD
No One Spurns the Pickled! 

GHRKIN
Good booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]

ALL
No One Spurns the Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (R) then lowers a pickle on the bass strings note]
Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (L) then lowers a pickle on the bass strings note]
Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (C) a pickle and keeps it raised]
_________

Song: Dear old Ship (Dear Old Shiz)

PERSON IN CROWD
(spoken) Gehrkin! Is it true - Is she your friend?! [pronounced Ga-Her-Kin here]

GHERKIN
(spoken) Well - it depends on what you mean by "is".
(Unless you are at least 45, you probably won't get this joke)
((Google "Bill Clinton 'is'" if you want to understand it))
(((See, you can even learn new things about politics in Broadway musicals :-) )))
I did know her.
That is, our paths did cross.
At school.

STUDENTS
O hallowed halls and brine stained walls
The proudliest sight there is
                                        (sight there is)
Some day our dear cookware will burn
Its value unclear from the stress we learned
From our days at dear old Ship
 (From our days)                     (Dear old Ship)
Our days at dear old

GHERKIN
Oh-oh-oh-oh-ol

STUDENTS - GHERKIN
Dear old Ship-pppp - Ship
[Unlike z, p can't be stretched out in a continuous manner]
[The initial consonant sound should be repeated in tempo instead]
[i.e., Ship-pa-pa-pa]
(This is actually somewhat fortuitous, since SHIP is actually in Pennsylvania)
_________

[Eureka and Madame Vlassic are in the college's industrial style teaching kitchen]
[They are in the center of the stage behind a counter]
(Like a cooking show)

Song: The Kosher and I (The Wizard and I)
(Personification, Remember?)

MADAME VLASSIC
Oh, Miss Eureka
Many years I have waited
For a gift like yours to appear
Why, I predict the Kosher
Could make you a briny pickle spear

My dear, My dear

I'll write at once to the Kosher
Tell him of you in advance
With a talent like yours, dear
There is a defin-ish chance
If you work as you should
You'll be making food

[Madam Vlassic goes to a counter on one side of the stage]
[Eureka moves to a counter on the opposite side of the stage]
[Madame Vlassic writes a couple of letters during the song]
(This is actually a common technique on stage)
((Each character pretends that they can't hear the other character))
(((Even though one is singing quite loudly)))
((((That way two things can happen simultaneously))))

EUREKA
Did that really just happen?
Have I actually understood?
This weird quirk I've tried
To suppress or hide
Is a talent that could
Help me meet the Kosher
If I make food
So I'll make food

When I meet the Kosher
Once I prove my worth
And when I meet the Kosher
What I've waited for since, since birth!
And with all his Kosher wisdom
By those cooks, he won't be blinded
Do you think the Kosher is drunk?
Or, like Munchkins, absent minded?
No! He'll say to me,
"I see who you truly are -
A girl on whom I can rely!"
And that's how we'll begin
The Kosher and I!

Once I'm with the Kosher
My whole life will change
'Cuz once you're with the Kosher
You're warm near the range!
No father is not proud of you
No sister acts ashamed
And all of them have to love you
When by the Kosher you're acclaimed
And this gift - or this curse - 
I have inside
Maybe at last, I'll know why
When we are pan to pan - 
The Kosher and I!

And one day, he'll say to me:
Eureka,
A girl who is so superior
Shouldn't a girl with great food supplies
Make all others inferior?
And since folks here to an absurd degree
Seem fixated on proficiency
Would it be all right by you
If I teach cooking to you?"

And though of course
That's so important to me
"Damn right, why not?" I'll reply
(We hope that doesn't lose us our 'G' rating)
Oh, what a pair we'll be
The Kosher and I
Yes, what a pair we'll be
The Kosher and

Artisinal
(Here's another change to learn from this musical)
((However, you're going to need to look this one up yourself))
(((That way not only will you expand your vocabulary, but you'll improve your search skills, too)))
My cooking is artisinal
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know - it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday there'll be
A celebration through the Laws
That's all to do with me!

And I'll stand there with the Kosher
Cooking things I've never cooked
And though I'd never show it
I'll be so happy, I'll make smelt!
And so it will be
For the rest of my life
And I'll want nothing else
Till I die
Held in such high esteem
When people see me for ice cream
For half the Law's fav'rite team
The Kosher
And I!

[Madame Vlassic and Eureka meet again behind the counter at center stage]
[Madame Vlassic gives one of the letters to Eureka]
_________

[Madame Vlassic leaves the kitchen]
[Gherkin joins Eureka in the kitchen]
[She jumps up and hops around on the countertops whenever she feels like]
(We intentionaly left the timing undefined)
((We figured the actress could use this to help make the part her own))
(((We have heard you want to give the actors something to help them to become the character)))
((((We don't really know having never done this before))))
(((((Hey, it's worth a shot)))))

Song: What is that Cooking? (What is This Feeling?)

GHERKIN
(spoken) Dearest darlingest Momsie and Popsical

EUREKA
(spoken) My dear Father

BOTH
There's been some confusion
Over cooking here at Ship

EUREKA
But of course, I'll cook for Sassy

GHERKIN
But of course, her pie, I love it
(Again this is a 'G' rated show)
((Don't even think about this line as sexual innuendo))

BOTH
For I know that's how you'd want me to respond
Yes, there's been some confusion
For you see, my room-mate is

GHERKIN
Unusually and exceedingly food crazy
And her food is just impracticle to imbibe

EUREKA
Odd

GHERKIN
What is that cooking?
So sudden and new?

EUREKA
Spur of the moment
I cooked it for you

GHERKIN
My pulse is rushing

EUREKA
The bread I'm kneading

GHERKIN
My face is flushing

BOTH
What is that cooking?
Now its caused my pain,
Does it have a name?
Yes!: Wheezing
Uncontrollable Wheezing

GHERKIN
From my face

EUREKA
Pure noise

GHERKIN
Your cooking

BOTH
Let's just say - my wheeze sick pall
Ev'ry sickly fates not very small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With painful, constant wheezing
There's extreme  excruciation
In such total desolation
It's impure and wrong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be wheezing
Wheezing through
My whole life long!

STUDENTS
Dear Gherkin, it's just too much food
How do you eat it? I don't think I could!
She makes batter, She makes TarTare!
We don't mean to throw a tantrum,
But Gherkin, you're a martyr!

GHERKIN
Well, some things she likes to fry up!

STUDENTS
Poor Gherkin, forced to abide
With someone so disgusticified
We just want to tell you
We're all on your side!
We hear your

GHERKIN AND EUREKA AND STUDENTS
What is this feeling? : Wheezing
So sudden and new : uncontrollable wheezing
I felt the moment, I got near you  : from my face, your skirt, your clothing
My pulse is rushing : She just says
Your wheezing pall
Oh, what is this feeling? : Ev'ry cooking plate, however small
Does it have a name? : Makes her very flesh
Yes : Begin to crawl
Ahhh : Ahhh:

ALL
Wheezing!

GHERKIN AND EUREKA AND ALL
There's a strange, strong agitation : wheezing
From such total contamination : wheezing
Impure and wrong : wheezing

STUDENTS
So Wrong!

GHERKIN AND EUREKA
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last

ALL
And I will be wheezing for forever, wheezing
Wheezing truly deeply, wheezing
Wheezing through, Wheezing through
My whole life long!
Wheezing, Uncontrollable wheezing

[Eureka pushes a plate towards Gherkin]

EUREKA
Food!

GHERKIN
A
_________

[Gherkin and the students leave the kitchen]
[Dr. Vinegar joins Eureka in the kitchen]

Song: With Things Banned (Something Bad)

DOCTOR VINEGAR
(spoken) Oh, Miss Eureka - The things one hears these days.
Dreadful things:
(sung) I've heard of some Lox 
A professor from Quox's
No longer permitted to eat
Who has lost all powers to teach
And some fowl from Munchkin Rock
A vicar with Anolon wok
Forbidden to heat
Now too starved to preach!
Only rumors - but still - 
Enough of a cause
To give a chef pause
with things banned by preposterous laws

EUREKA
With things banned? Happening to all

VINEGAR
Under the surface
Behind the scenes
 [in a whiny tone]
With Things Bannnnned
(spoken) Sorry: "Banned"

EUREKA
(spoken) Doctor Vinegar - 
With these things banned from cooking animals
Someone's has to tell the Kosher.
That's why we have a Kosher.
(sung) So nothing's banned.

VINEGAR
(spoken) I hope you're right

BOTH
Nothing should be banned

VINEGAR
[again, in a whiny tone.]
Nothing truly Bannnnned.
(spoken) Sorry: "Banned"

EUREKA
It shouldn't happen here
To us
_________

[Dr. Vinegar leaves the kitchen]
[Gherkin, Dill, Sassy, Calypso, and ? join Eureka in the kitchen]
(Who is that cowardly lion?)

Song: Dining Through Life (Dancing Through Life)

CALYPSO
The trouble with schools is
They always make you choose the wrong menu
Believe me, I have pigged out
At enough of them to know
They want you to eat more healthy
Less tasty
But I say: why invite less in?
Slop grub on all night
And learn to love "the satiated life"

Dining through life
Eatings your purpose
With surf and turf, great food
Steak's more sav'ry
In brown gravy
When the meat's charred
And it's so flav'ry
Dining through life
No need to tough it
When you can stuff your face as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dining through

Dining through life
Snacking and eating
And always grabbing food
If you bought less
And you sought less
Food you don't try
Ever you will miss
Dining through life
Snack-less and meal-less
Makes sure you're rav'nous
Doubles the strife
When not eating
Slowly pining
Til you're dining
Through life

(spoken) So - what's the most swankified place in town?

GHERKIN
(spoken) That would be the Kosher Cafe.

CALYPSO
(spoken) Sounds perfect.
(sung) Let's go down to the Kosher Cafe
We'll meet there later tonight
We can dine till it lights
Find the hungriest girl
Get sausage curl
Right on down to the Kosher Cafe
Come on - follow me
You'll be happy to be there

[The scene morphs into the "Kosher Cafe".]

ALL
Dining through life
Down at the Cafe

CALYPSO
If only because they
Have all the best food.

ALL
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just right

CALYPSO
So keep dining through

DILL
(spoken) Miss Gherkin - I-I hope you'll have a fine dinner with me.
I'll be right there. Waiting. All night.

GHERKIN
(spoken) Oh - that is fine.
But you know what would be even finer?
(sung) See that tragic'ly beautiful girl
The one in the chair
It seems so unfair
We should go on a spree
And not she
Gee - 
I know someone would be my hero
If that someone were to go invite her

DILL
(spoken) Well, maybe - I could invite her!

GHERKIN
Oh, Dill, really?
You would do that for me?

DILL
(spoken) I would do anything for you, Miss Gherkin

GHERKIN
(spoken) So

CALYPSO
(spoken) So I'll be picking you up around eight?

GHERKIN
(spoken) After all -
(sung) Now that we've ate with each other

CALYPSO AND GHERKIN
It's clear - we can serve each other

GHERKIN
You're famished

CALYPSO
You're famished

BOTH
So we're famished together
Born to be forever
Dining through life

SASSYTOES
(spoken) Oh, Eureka - isn't it wonderful?
(sung) Fin'lly, for this one night
I'm about to have my food right
With this Munchkin boy
Gherkin found for me 
And I only wish there were 
Something I could do for her
To repay her
Eureka, see?
We can serve each other
And Gherkin helped it come true
We can serve each other,
Me and Dill
(spoken) Please Eureka try to understand

EUREKA
I do

(spoken) Gherkin - Sassy and I were talking about you just now-

GHERKIN
(spoken) And I was just talking about you!
I thought you might want to wear this hat to the party tonight!
[It is a chef's hat]
(sung) It's really, uh, sharp, don't you think?
You know - white is this year's pink
You can serve each other
This hat and you
You're both so smart
You can serve each other
So here, out of the goodness of my heart

[Dance Routine]
[Everyone heads to the buffet]
[They are handed a plate full of food]
[They dance around each other while holding the plate over their heads and twirling around]
[Like in "Waitress"]
[They get in a circle around a round table and pass the plates around to each other]
[They bow to each other in time to the music while doing this] 
[One person places the plate down and moves to the next seat]
[The line follows and continues to hand their plate forward in line]
[This continues around the table]
[When the last person in line gets to the first plate on the table, they sit]
[This continues until the first person gets all the way around the table and sits with the last plate]

DILL
(spoken) Listen, Sassy,

SASSYTOES
(spoken) Yes?

DILL
Uh - Sassy
I've got something to confess,
a reason why, well - 
Why I asked you here tonight
Now I know it isn't fair

SASSYTOES
(spoken) Oh, Dill, I know why.

DILL
(spoken) You do?

SASSY
It's because I'm in this chair
And you felt sorry for me
Well - isn't that right?

DILL
(spoken) No! No! It's because, uh, because,
(sung) Because you are so ravenous!

SASSYTOES
Oh, Dill, and you are ravenous!
And we can serve each other
Don't you see, this is our chance?
We can serve each other
Can't we, Dill?

DILL
(spoken) You know what?
(sung) Let's dine

SASSYTOES
(spoken) What?!

DILL
Let's dine!

ALL
Dining through life
Down at the Cafe
If only because just
It's what we come to do!
And the strange thing
Your life could end up changing
While you're dining
Through
_________

[Next morning]
[Just Eureka and Gherkin are back in the kitchen]
[Gherkin is dressed in a cheerleading uniform]
[This is the scene where Eureka starts to eat incessently]
[Gherkin again jumps up and hops around on the countertops whenever she feels like]

Song: Connoisseur (Popular) 

GHERKIN
(spoken)
Eukie - now that we're friends
I've decided to make you my new project.

EUREKA
(spoken)
You really don't have to do that

GHERKIN
(spoken) I know. That's what makes me so nice!
(sung) Whenever I see someone
Less cerebral than I
And let's face it - who isn't
Less cerebral than I?
My tender heart
Tends to start to bleed
And when someone needs a makeover
I simply have to take over
I know I know exactly what they need
And even in your case
Tho' it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You'll be a

Connoisseur!
You will be a Connoisseur!
I'll teach you the proper ploys
Which you can enjoy
Ways that all the experts sound
I'll show you how to appear
Pronounce without care
Everything that really counts

Be a Connoisseur!
You will be a Connoisseur!
You'll fit with the right cohorts
You'll make good retorts
Know the slang you've got to know
So let's start
'Cause you've got an awfully long way to go

Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as personality dialysis
Now that I've chosen to be come a pal
A sister and adviser
There's nobody wiser
So I'll make you a Connoisseur
You'll be a great Connoisseur
And with an assist from me
To be who you'll be
Instead of dreary who-you-were: are [looks confused]
There's nothing that can stop you
From being a Connoisseur: star [looks even more confused]

La la la la
You're gonna be
A Connoisseur

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of 
Celebrated smart experts or
Especially great truth purveyors
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!

They we Connoisseurs! Please -
It's all about Connoisseurs!
It's all about aptitude
It's the things you do
So it's very shrewd to be
Become a great Connoisseur
Like me!

(spoken in a questioning tone) Why, Miss Eureka, look at you. You're dubious

EUREKA
(spoken) I - I have to go

GHERKIN
(spoken) You're welcome!
(sung) And though you protest
Your disinterest
I know clandestinely
You're gonna grin and bear it
Your new found great ability
La la la la
A Great Connoisseur -
Become a great Connoisseur
Like me!
________

[Eureka alone in the courtyard later that evening]

Song: I'm Not a Churl (I'm Not That Girl)
(OK, We'll save you the trouble of looking it up)
((A churl is a rude, borish person))

EUREKA
When I try sweet
Ultimately disgraced feat
Tarts treat in a hungry world
Don't mean to annoy
No, I'm not a churl

Don't scheme too hard
Don't you fight just who you are
Don't surrender that rush of joy
Don't mean to annoy
I'm not a churl

Every so often we make a meal
And we hope to invite some in
But it doesn't often change how we feel
When adversity might set in

Fright riles quite grim
Makes it seem just like a whim
Cold fear from a pent up world
It unfurls I know
And heaven's froze
I'm not a churl

Don't wish or start
Wishing often soon departs
I wasn't born for a perfect world
In the world I know
We're hungry so
I'm not a churl...
_________

[The scene starts with Eureka, Gherkin, Dell, Calypso, and ? on the Jello Slick Road]
(This cowardly lion stuff is really starting to get annoying)
[There are cucumber skyscrapers visible in the distance]
[As they enter the Cucumber City, there are food stands everywhere]
[Everywhere they go in the city, there are arrows pointing with the message "This way to the Kosher"]
[Eureka is constantly taking things from the carts and eating them]
(Special Note to stage crew: Make sure the jello gets cleaned off the stage)
((Insurance is expensive, you know))
(((We don't want anyone to slip and get hurt)))

Song: One Buffet (One Short Day)

Eureka
Come with me to the Cucumber City

TOURISTS
One Buffet
In the Cucumber City

GHERKIN
Oh, I've always wanted to see the Cucumber City

TOURISTS
One Buffet
In the Cucumber City ...

One Buffet
In the Cucumber City
One Buffet
Full of so much great food
Ev'ry way
That you look in this city
There's something exquisite
You'll want to eat it
Before the day's through!

EUREKA
There are desserts tall as quoxwood trees

GHERKIN
Great Bon Bons

EUKERA
And Strawberries

GHERKIN
Winter Cress

EUREKA
Cherry Plums!

BOTH
A hundred strong …

There are wonders like we've never seen

GHERKIN
They taste grand

EUREKA
Like jelly beans

BOTH
I think we've found the place where we belong!
I wanna be
In this hoi polloi

EUREKA
So we'll be back for food someday

[A bakery cart full of different types of bread is pushed by]
[This catches Gherkin's attention]

GHERKIN
With bread knife and a huge tray

BOTH
But for today, we'll wander and enjoy …

ALL
One Buffet
In the Cucumber City
One Buffet
To fill a lifetime with food
One Buffet…

EUREKA and GHERKIN
And we're warning the city
Now that we've been here
We'll know we'll stay here

ALL
Until the food's through!

GHERKIN
Eukie, come on. We'll be late for Food-O-Mania.

[They are in front of a broadway style marquee that reads "food-o-mania"...]

FOOD-O-MANIA CHORUS
Who's the chef
The major culinariest
Making all us heavier?
Who's the chef
Who chefly staggered in to grow
Our posteriers?
Whose enthuse for hot creamed sunny cooking
Has all of us honey spooning?
Woo -- oo -- oo ...
Kosn't he slovenly?
Our slovenly Kosher!

[The food-o-maniacs repeat the chorus as Eureka, Gherkin, and the rest of the audience sing in counterpoint]
(That's what the lyric page that we found on Google said)
((Not really sure which part is the chorus from the lyrics))
(((We could probably go listen to the cast album, but we'll figure it out in pre-production, instead)))
((((We'll let the director and producers figure it out))))
(((((They may as well have something to do for all the money and credit they get)))))
((((((We know, we delayed so long, you will again need to go back and re-sing the last few lines to get back in the flow again)))))
(((((((Unfortunately, we turned into both the producers and directors, so we had to go fix this)))))))

FOOD-O-MANIA CHORUS = GHERKIN and EUREKA
Who's the chef = One Buffet
The major culinariest = in the
Making all us heavier? = Cucumber City
Who's the chef = One Buffet
Who chefly staggered in to grow = to have a
Our posteriers? = lifetime of food

ALL
What a way
To be seeing the city...

EUREKA AND GHERKIN
Where so many roam to
We'll call it home too
And then, just like now
We can say:
We're just two friends …

EUREKA
Two food friends …

GHERKIN
Two fest friends …

ALL
Sharing one wonderful
One buf …

[They come to a final arrow pointing to a hotel entrance]
[This arrow says "The Kosher lives here"]
[A doorman pops his head out of the door to the Kosher's hotel]
[Eureka hands the doorman the letter from Madame Vlassic]
[He shuts the door and dissapears for a few moments]
[The doorman pops his head out of the door to the Kosher's hotel and says:]

DOORMAN
The Kosher will see you now!

(I hope we can find some strong vocalists since they have to hold that last note a long time)
((Maybe for some comic relief, we can have them tapping there feet with annoyance and looking at their watches))

ALL
fet!
________

[Eureka is alone with the Kosher in his library]
[A bar and bookshelves loaded with alcohol bottles are prominent]
[A few books too, but there's not much book shelf space available for them]

Song: An Antisocial Man (A Sentimental Man) 

KOSHER
I am an antisocial man
Who always longed to be a loner
That's why I do the best I can
To flee each citizen and avoid each one - 
And other
So Eukera, I'd like to say goodbye
'Cuz I think everyone deserves
The chance to hide
And helping you
With your consent
Allows me to
Feel so unsocial
For I am an antisocial man
________

[Eureka and Ghrkin are alone in the kitchen again]
(I hope you are use to that, it still going to happen a few more times)
((We are explaining this so you understand the kitchen scenes are a foreshadowing of what's happening))
(((It let's you know the general mood and happenings that are coming in the future)))
((((This is an important plot technique))))
(((((At least, that's what we heard, so we think it is)))))
((((((We already told you we have never done this before))))))

Song: Dining Constantly (Defying Gravity)
[Stretch the 'Di' in Dining across both the notes in 'Defy' to make this work]

GHRKIN
Eureka, why couldn't you cook salmon lunch
Instead of frying all the canned dill
I hope your hungry
I hope your hungry, now
I hope your hungry now you've spurned the laws forever
I hope you think your clever

EUREKA
I hope your hungry
I hope your hungry, too
I hope your proud how you would grovel in admission
You need to sow perdition

BOTH
Although I can't imagine how
I hope your hungry, right now

GHRKIN
Eukie, listen to me
Just say your sorry
You can still be with the Kosher
What you worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted

EUREKA
I know

GHRKIN
But I don't want it

EUREKA
No

GHRKIN
I can't want it
Anymore

EUREKA
Something has changed within me
Sometimes it's not just lunch
I'm through with dining on the food of someone else's brunch
Too late for second-helpings
Too late to go back to eat
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and feast!

It's time to try
Dining Constantly
I think I'll try
Dining Constantly
And food won't bring me down

GHRKIN
Help having you understand
You're having delusions of grandeur

EUREKA
I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot bake but 'til I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of cooking more and bore the cost
Well, when they shove, outcome is such that I am lost!

I'd sooner try
Dining Constantly
Kiss me goodbye
I'm Dining Constantly
And food won't bring me down

Ghrkin, come with me
Think of all the great food
Forever

I'm addicted
My urge makes me addicted
Together will eat the greatest breem that's ever swim
Ghrkin
Dreams the way we planned them
If we work in tandem

BOTH
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I

Dining Constantly
Just you and I
Dining Constantly
Food never brings us down

EUREKA
Well, are you hungry?

GHRKIN
I hope your hungry
Now that your choosing this

EUREKA
You too

GHRKIN
I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope your hungry in the end
I hope your hungry, my friend

EUREKA	
So if you care to find me
Look for my pecan pie!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves a piece to try!"

And if I'm eating solo
At least I'm eating free
To those who bound me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I'm
Dining Constantly
I'm Frying by
Dining Constantly
And soon I'll pass them in renown

And nobody with all the laws
No Kosher that there is
Or  was
Is ever going to bring me down

GHRKIN
I hope your hungry

All - Eureka
No one spurns the pickled, Never  - Bring me down
No one spurns the pickled
No the food won't bring her down
________

[Everyone, except Eureka, is on stage in the college courtyard]
[The Kosher is on the side of the stage next to Madame Vlassic]
[The Kosher is distractly looking off the side of the stage where a number of beer kegs are prominently visible]

Song: Swank Foodfest (Thank Goodness)

CITIZENS OF KOS
Ev'ry day, more pickles
Ev'ry day, the garden grows!
All of us dig forever in the dirt!
That's the way with Pickles - 
Fed this year as they all grow
Sprouting out new pickles we asked for!

A HUNGRY WOMAN
Like some wonderful queen wizard
Throughout the land she tries

A HUNGRY MAN
She's honoring our good Kosher
With her refreshments and pies!

ALL
Her pies!
Saves us with the Pickles!
Shields us so we won't be vexed!
Gives us more zing
What will she bake next?
What will she bake next?
What will she bake next!?

GHRKIN
(spoken) Fellow Kosians - as gratifying as cheer for this,
Let us put aside our hunger for this one day: and celebrate!
(sung) Oh what a celebration
We'll have today

CROWD
Swank Foodfest!

GHRKIN
Let's have a celebration
The Ghrkin way!

CROWD
Swank Foodfest!

VLASSIC
Fin'lly a day that's
Totally pickles for free!

CROWD
We couldn't be hungrier
Swank Foodfest!

GHRKIN
Yes - 
We couldn't be hungrier, 
This year
Couldn't be hungrier
Right here
Look what we've got
A fairy-tale plot
Our very own happy ending
Where we couldn't be hungrier - 
True, here
Couldn't be hungrier
And we're happy to share
Our pickles gregariously
With all of you
We couldn't be happier
We couldn't feel humbler
We couldn't be hungrier
Because hungry is what happens
When all your dreams are food!

VLASSIC
(spoken) Oh, And Ghrkin dear, we're hungry as you!
As Press Secretary, I have striven to ensure that all of us
knows the story of your craverism

(sung) The day you were first summoned
To an audience with Kos
And although he would not tell you why initially
When you bowed before his throne
He decreed you'd hence be known
As Ghrkin of Food - officially!

Then with a carefree squeal
The pickles which burst from concealment
Where they had been brining - surepetitially!

PEOPLE IN CROWD
I hear she made an extra pie
She always remains to bake
I hear that she lets dough leaven
To easily make the cakes!
And her clientele all in all
Are eating her good sust'nence!
I hear her spirit's so pristine
Pure water can't match her!

CALYPSO
What!?

CROWD
Match her!?
Please - somebody go and get her!

CALYPSO
(spoken) Do you hear that - water can't match her?!
People are so empty-headed, they'll believe anything!

GHRKIN
(spoken) Calypso! Oh - yes, thanks plenty, dearest!
He's gone to fetch us a refreshment.
He's so famished today!

(sung) That's why I couldn't be hungrier
No, I couldn't be hungrier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Until we all ran and ate it
But I couldn't be hungrier
Simply couldn't be hungrier
(spoken) Well - not "simply":
(sung) 'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still - 
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
We 
Couldn't be hungrier?
So I couldn't be hungrier
Because hungry is what happens
When all your dreams are food
Well, isn't it?
Hungry is what happens
When your dreams are food!

CROWD
We love you, Ghrkin, if we may be so frank

GHRKIN
Swank Foodfest!

CROWD
For all this joy, we know who we've got to thank
Swank Foodfest!
That means the Kosher, Ghrkin

GHRKIN
And eat all day!

CROWD
They couldn't be goodlier
She couldn't be luckier
We couldn't be hungrier

GHRKIN
I couldn't be hungrier

CROWD
Swank Foodfest

GHRKIN AND CROWD
Today!
Swank Foodfest is today!
________

THIS SONG IS NOT INCLUDED IN PICKLED SINCE IT WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE CAST ALBUM
THE LYRICS ARE HERE FOR COMPLETENESS

[Initially, Sassy is in Eureka's dorm room]
[Eureka is lazing in bed]
[Eventually, they join everyone in the courtyard for the party]

Song: The Pickled Bits of the Feast (The Wicked Witch of the East)

SASSYTOES (spoken)
Eureka, wake up! First of all, you can't react to negatives,
You must respect your pickling skills. And how can I help you?
You brine around us trying to make sure everything you have ever cooked gets grand raves
But you never thought to use your talent to include me!
All of my life, I've depended on you

(sung) How do you think that feels?
All of my life, I've depended on you
In this hideous chair for meals.
Scrounging for scraps of pickles to pick up
And longing to kick up for meals.

EUREKA (spoken)
Sassy, there no recipe for everything.
The power is mysterious, it not like cobbling up a pair of - wait.
[Begins chanting from the Grimmerie]

Oh Sassy, at last.
(sung)I've done what long ago I should
And finally from these powers there's more food
Finally, there's more food

SASSYTOES (spoken)
Dill! Dill, come quickly!

DILL (spoken)
You did this for her?

SASSYTOES (spoken)
For all of us!

DILL (spoken)
Oh Sassy... this changes everything.

SASSYTOES (spoken)
I know.

DILL
(spoken)Sassy

SASSYTOES
(spoken)Yes?

DILL
(sung)Oh, Sassy
Surely now I'll matter less to you
You won't mind my leaving you tonight.

SASSYTOES
(spoken)Leaving?

DILL
(sung)Yes,
That ball thats being staged,
Announcing Ghrkin is engourged

SASSYTOES
(spoken)Ghrkin?

DILL
(sung)Yes Sassy, that's right
I've got to get a meal to her
Express the way I feel for her
(spoken) Sassy, I lost my lunch for Ghrkin from the moment I first saw her. You know that.

SASSYTOES
(spoken)Lost your lunch?
(sung)Well we'll see about that.

EUREKA (spoken)
Sassy, let him go.

SASSYTOES
(sung)Did you think I'd let you leave me here flat?!

DILL (spoken)
Don't come any closer!

SASSYTOES
(sung)You're going to lose your lunch for me, I tell you!
If I have, I have to... cook this for you. [begins chanting from the Grimmerie]

[Dill gets noticably ill and rushes off the stage.]

(spoken) This is all your fault! If you had not shown me that horrenible book-

EUREKA (spoken)
I've got to find a recipe. It's the only thing that might work.

SASSYTOES
(sung)Save him please, just save him.
My poor Dill, my sweet, my brave him.
Do not leave me till my sorry life has ceased.

EUREKA
[begins chanting in melody]

SASSYTOES
(sung)Alone and lunchless here,
Just the girl in the mirror
Just her and me, Crazy Cook of the Feast!
We deserve each other.
________

[Dusk, that evening]
[Eureka and the Kosher are at the edge of the Jello Slick Road]
[There is a pub in the background]
[Some of the assorted random characters meander in and out of the pub at staggered intervals]
(Maybe one of them can be the cowardly lion)
((Make him earn his pay))
(((Reminder to stage crew: Make sure you clean up the jello again)))

Song: Drunken Fool (Wonderful)

KOSHER
I never asked for this,
Or planned it in advance.
I merely stumbled here
Without thought, just chance.
I never saw myself 
As a Hemingway or Holiday
I knew who I was--
One of your dime a dozen
Mediocrities.

Then suddenly I'm here
Dejected, denounced, even
(Wasn't "even" a favorite phrase of the cowardly lion?)
((Maybe the Kosher has a split personality and he's also the cowardly lion))
(((Could be why the cowardly lion wasn't at the farm in the opening scene)))
((((They couldn't split him in two and his Kosher role is more important than the cowardly lion role))))
(((((They are never on the stage at the same time)))))
((((((We may be on to something here))))))
Just because of all my flaws
Needing something to relieve them.
Does it surprise you
I got hooked, and all too soon?
What can I say?
I got carried away
And not just in saloons.

Drunken Fool--
They called me Drunken Fool,
So I said Drunken Fool, if you insist.
I am a Drunken Fool
And they said Drunken Fool.
Believe me, it's hard to resist,
They call me Drunken Fool.
They think I'm Drunken Fool
Hey, look there's Drunken Fool--
That hermit hick.
Who said it might be keen
To drink some cheap whiskey,
And he won't be slowed
So drink it quick!

[Spoken]See, I never had a barstool of my own. So, I guess I just 
wanted to give the denizens of grog everything

EUREKA [Spoken]
[tersely]
So you drink?

THE KOSHER [Spoken]
Eureka, where I'm from, drinking makes all sorts of things 
seem right and true. We call it dementia.

[Sung]
A drink's's called a whiskey, or a lime rickey.
A drunk man's a sot, or an inebriate
Is one an old fashion, or long island ice tea?
It's all in which label
Not able to resist.
There are precious few displeased
With drunken opportunities,
So we act as though they will persist.

They call me Drunken Fool,
So I'm a Drunken Fool.
In fact, it's so much who I am,
I'm always this way.
And with my help,
You can be the same.
At long, long last believe it's true,
Long overdue,
Eureka, the most celebrated
Are un-rehabilitated.
There'll be such a whoop-de-doo!
A celebration through the Laws
That's all to do with you!

Drunken Fool--
They'll call you 
Drunken Fool!

Ha Ha

EUREKA
 [In an annoyed, disgusted tone]
You are a Drunken Fool!

The KOSHER
Trust me, it's fun!

BOTH:
When you're a Drunken Fool,
You are a Drunken Fool!
Drunken Fool, Drunken Fool--

THE KOSHER
Drunk-
en
Fool--
________

[Short time later]
[Ghrkin sits on the end of the stage, looking dejected]
[The empty courtyard is in the background]
[No one else is around]

Song: I'm Not a Churl (reprise) (I'm Not That Girl (reprise))

GHRKIN
Don't wish or start
Wishing often soon departs
In the world I know
We're hungry so
I'm not a churl...
________

[Eureka is alone in the Kitchen on one half of the stage stirring a large pot on the stove]
(Here's a test. Is this personification or foreshadowing?)
((Foreshadowing, remember?))
(((This let's us know that Eureka will be eating again)))
((((She is not an inanimate object))))
(((((At least, not yet)))))
[Calypso is alone in the courtyard on the other half of the stage]
(We already explained how this works, remember?)

Song: As Long as There's Brine (As Long as You're Mine)

EUREKA
Steep them so fiercely, mould them just right
I can't help believing their curing tonight
My wildest dreamings could not foresee
Cucumbers becoming what I make them be

And just for this moment as long as there’s brine
They’ve lost all resistance and so soon we will dine
And if it turns out it's over too fast
We’ll make every last moment to last
As long as there’s brine

[Eureka wanders into the courtyard with a bowl]
[Eureka hands the bowl to Calypso]

CALYPSO
Maybe it’s brainless, maybe it’s wise
But its got me seeing a wonderful prize
Somehow I’ve fallen under it's spell
And somehow I’m smelling a wonderful smell

BOTH
Every moment as long as there’s brine
They’ll surge through my body and make me feel fine
Say there's no future for them, don’t despair
Before they’re gone, you’ll get your share

BOTH
Just for this moment as long as there’s brine
Come eat all you want to and see all of the kinds
Pull from the glass jar, until they are through
I know you'll be there eating too
As long as there’s brine

(Not sure which of the following endings works better)
((Another thing to solve in pre-production)
(((Now you're really seeing into how these musicals get written)))
((((We will leave it as another job for the director and producers to handle))))
(((((They are gonna really have to work for their credits on this production)))))

CALYPSO
What is it?

EUREKA
It's just for the first time
I feel Pickled

OR

EUREKA
What is it?

CALYPSO
It's just for the first time
I've eaten Pickles
________

[Same tableau as the previous song]
[Eureka is back in the kitchen]
[She is baking something in the oven and stiring a pot on the stove]
[She regularly eats various items cooling on the counter]
[Calypso is holding his stomach and obviously still hungry]
(Not sure how to make his hunger evident)
((Still another thing for the director and producers to solve in pre-production))
(((No wonder why it takes so long to get these things on Broadway)))

Song: No Food Greed (No Good Deed)

EUREKA
Calypso,

[Eureka reading from  the Grimmerie (a cookbook)]

A little Ramen Ramen
And turn and turn a little Ramen
A little Ramen Ramen
And turn and turn a little Ramen

Make his food hot and warm
Make it taste clean and plain
As he eats it
Make his hunger wain

[Eureka stops stirring and looks into the oven]

Let his scones quickly bake
And however he tries
To enjoy them
Let them never dry
Let them never dry

[She goes back to stirring the pot.]

A little Ramen Ramen
And turn and turn a little Ramen
A little Ramen Ramen
And turn and turn a little, little

What good is this cooking?
I don't even know what I'm making!
I don't even know which flavorings to try
Calypso, where are you?
Have you been fed, or eating?

[Again looks in the oven]

One more bad batter I can add to my
Generous supply

No food greed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No food greed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My goal of food intentions
Led where such goals always lead
No food greed
Goes unpunished!

Sassy,
Doctor Vinegar,
Calypso,
Calypso!!

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention
Was I only making food
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all food greeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all food greeds are
Maybe that's the reason why

No food greed goes unpunished
All hungry urges should be circumvented
No food greed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well - 
Well, look at what well-meant did
[Looks down at her stomach]
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then
Let all us be agreed
I'm pickled through and through
Since I can not succeed
Calypso, feeding you
I promise no food greed 
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again
No food greed
Will I do again!
________

[Everyone except Eureka and Ghrkin join Calypso in the courtyard]

Song: Heartbroken, Pickles Gone (March of the Witch Hunters)

FOODIANS
Go and hunt them
Or find them
Or grow them

HUNGRY WOMAN
[Sadly]
(spoken) Heartbroken, pickles gone! 

FOODIANS
Go and hunt them
Or find them
Or grow them

HUNGRY MAN
[Angrily]
(spoken) More Pickles!

FOODIANS
Pickledness must be cherished
Pickles essentially desiderated
Pickledness must be cherished
Plant pickles!

Tin Man
(You know, Calypso)
(spoken) And this is more than just disservice to the Kosher.
I have an edible shortage to tell to Eur-no
Pickles!

(sung) It's due to her I'm missing them
Her greed made this occur
So for once she had to plant less
Why'd she plant less cucumbers!

(Here's the big moment for the cowardly lion)
((He gets to sing his few lines that we have been promising))
(((The lion sings in third person)))
((((This is a technique that majestic or royal characters sometimes use))))
((((At least, that is something we once heard))))
(((((And lions are supposed to be majestic beasts)))))

COWARDLY LION 
(i.e., Any actor who wants more stage time and a chance to sing)
And the lion also
Has a grievance to relay
If she'd let him help with her struggles
The greed she stuck
to would have been avoided today!

CROWD
Find her! Fill the itch!

ALL
Pickledness must be cherished 
Pickle-Hunters, I would join you if I could
Because, Pickledness must be cherished 
cherished
cherished 
For Food! 
________

[Ghrkin and Eureka are in the kitchen]
[Eureka has grown to be somewhat obese by this time]

Song: By Food (For Good)

EUREKA
I'm addicted
Just look at me I'm addicted
I just cook the food I grew and eat it, yes I do Ghrkin
So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you

GHRKIN
I've heard it said
That pickles come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we can't spurn
As we are fed
By those who help the gardens grow
If we let them
And we eat them in our turn
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'll eat all that you make
Because I knew you...
Like a pickle pulled from rich sod
As it's ripened from sun
Like a bream that cooked with clover
In clay on hot wood
You can say if I've been changed by the batter
Because I knew you
I have been changed by food

EUREKA
It well may be
That we will never feast again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I cooked for you (Can't deny that)
You'll be with me
Like a cook pot on my hearth [sung Harth]
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a dip drawn from its curing
Or a pilaf with brie
Like a seed dropped onto moist ground
To grow tasty tea
You can say that I've been changed by the batter
And because I knew you

GHRKIN
Because I knew you

BOTH
I have been changed by food

EUREKA
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the kinds of food you blame me for

GHRKIN
But then, I guess we know
There's food to share

BOTH
And all of it makes good batter evermore

GHRKIN - Eureka
Like a pickle pulled from rich sod - Like a dip drawn from its curing
As it's ripened by the sun - Or a pilaf with brie
Like a bream that cooked with clover - Like a seed dropped onto moist ground
In clay on hot wood - To grow tasty tea

BOTH
You can say that I've been
Changed by the batter
I do believe I have been
Changed by the batter

GHRKIN
And because I knew you...

EUREKA
Because I knew you...

BOTH
Because I knew you... I have been changed by food
________

Song: Finale (Finale)

ALL
No one Spurns the Pickled
Now at last they're brined and done
Now at last there's joy throughout the land

Good booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]
Good booze! [Each character raises a drink like a toast]

GHRKIN
You can say that I've been changed by the batter
And because I knew you

ALL
No one Spurns the Pickled

GHRKIN AND EUREKA
Because I knew you I have been changed

ALL
No One Spurns the Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (R) then lowers a pickle on the bass strings note]
Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (L) then lowers a pickle on the bass strings note]
Pickled! [on "Pic" in Pickled, the crowd raises (C) a pickle and keeps it raised]

[Curtain falls.]

Eclectric Pulse Creative Team

Pete Giacomini - Co-Writer, Producer, Camera Crew
CJ Giacomini - Co-Writer, Director



In case you missed them, our previous productions:

S.U.V. (An original live action music video)
Fractured Heart (An animated original music lyric video)
Jessie's Grill (A song Parody of Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl")
There are also some Youtube Reels with excerpts from Jessie's Grill.

Here is a link to our Audio only productions: Soundcloud

Here is a link to our Mystery Man CD page: Mystery Man CD

Here is a link to our home page: Eclectric Pulse

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